Glad to be back home.

My family and I returned from a one week trip to Cancun, Mexico taken during the third week in April. The weather was beautiful and the natives very friendly but I am glad to be back at home. The return trip was fraught with a multitude of occurrences that seemed designed to sabotage our efforts to re-enter the United States. It began when my husband locked the keys to our rental car in the trunk as we were leaving the hotel for the airport. The tickets issued on the first leg of our connecting flights were incorrect but we didn't notice it until we tried to make the connection in Mexico City. It took five hours and untold miles of walking through the airport from pillar to post trying to get the inaccuracies resolved. If not for the superhuman efforts of two airline customer service agents (on two different airlines, no less), we might still be in Mexico. We were tired, hungry, annoyed and frustrated but we finally made it back home.

I won't mention that much of this could have been avoided if my husband had only listened to me weeks before the trip when I mentioned an anomaly on the confirmation documents. Nor will I mention that we could have cut down on the foot mileage if my husband had followed my advice and spoken to an agent immediately upon arriving in Mexico City Airport. I will mention that, through it all, I managed to maintain a relatively cool composure while my husband was stressing, agonizing and generally busting a gut. I was resolved not to lose my head, no matter what the circumstances. Having a large supply of Twizzlers helped keep my kids and me from going totally crazy. Ah, the comforts of junk food.

For me, this is a major achievement on two fronts. One: I am consciously keeping my baser emotions at bay, thereby minimizing the effects of negative energy and, two: my kids saw how negative energy can bring about negative circumstances. All they had to do was observe their father's behavior. The more he tried to control everything and everyone, the more things spiraled out of control. The more frustrated and angry he was, the worst things became. This impromptu demonstration was more effective than any amount of lecturing I could have ever done.

All that aside, the trip to Mexico was a relatively pleasant diversion but I was happy to return home to see my garden in bloom. It was the best homecoming welcome I could ever receive. Spring has fulfilled her promise yet again and this year's floral display is expected to be as glorious as ever. Bring it on.

Ballo ergo sum,
Always and All Ways,
- Gitana, the Creative Diva

What to do when you don't know what to do.

These days it seems that everyone in my family is on edge, angry and in some sort of emotional pain. My 17 year old son is going through his angry young man phase with a vengeance, exhibiting his displeasure at anything that is not to his liking in the most disagreeable ways. My husband has withdrawn himself even more from interacting with the rest of the family, preferring to sit in front of the television set, remote in one hand, beer in the other, expecting the household to run on automatic pilot. My 14 year old daughter, who bears the brunt of her brother's ire, is angry and frustrated and wants nothing more than to hurry through high school so she can escape to college. And I... well, let's say that these days my thoughts have been turning to finding a job and renting a spacious one bedroom apartment. Notice I said ONE bedroom, as in just for me.

I have reached an age when I thought life would be getting a little easier to manage. On the contrary, it has become more difficult. There is no consensus or cooperation on even the most minute of things and I've reached the end of my rope trying to keep it all together. There are no words to describe my feelings of anger, hurt, and frustration. I've had it. I'm through.

So now what?

Surrender.

I had to reach the depths of frustration and despair before I realized there was really nothing I could do to change the members of my family. The only person I have the power to change is myself. All I can do is be who I am and allow them to be who they are. I have to let go and stop trying to control and micromanage every action, and I have to stop allowing their actions to micromanage me. I have to determine what I may be doing to feed into the current situation and then stop feeding it by doing the opposite. I have to relinquish control because, in truth, I have no control. I have only the illusion that I have control.


This is possibly the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I can only hope that my letting go will cause a change in the family dynamic such that it will balance itself out and create a more harmonious energetic flow. I know that this change, like any other change, will not come easily or without resistance. I just have to let go and allow myself to freefall.


I hope there's a net when I reach the bottom.