Fulfilling the Vision and Feeling the Rush

I am a firm believer in the maxim, "Things happen for a reason". I also believe that when you set firm goals in your mind and consistently work towards them, circumstances tend to accomodate you and opportunities present themselves. It is up to us to decide whether or not to avail ourselves of these opportunities when they occur. The choices we make determine our path. These beliefs are the result of my personal experience. For me, these are universal principles, not just dogma.

At the beginning of this year, I created a vision board on which I placed three stated goals that I wished to accomplish before the end of the year. One of those goals was to return to the stage. My performance days were severely sidelined due to my sudden hearing loss and I sorely missed being in front of an audience. I particularly missed bomba, the Afro-Puerto Rican drum-dance genre that is not only a wonderful form of entertainment, it is a celebration of our culture and identity. So when I received an email announcing a series of bomba workshops, I jumped on it. At the time I did not know that one of the requirements would be for the students to participate in two performances.

I'm going to skip straight to the juicy parts so as not to make this entry too long. I was one of three people who sang lead for the first performance which took place on Friday, April 11, 2008. This was odd in and of itself because I am taking the dance and percussion workshops, not the vocal workshops. As if that wasn't unusual enough, I was the only one of the three who sang original material. Yep, that's right. I sang a song I wrote myself. The musical director added some interesting rhythmic breaks which made the number more intricate and interesting. My number was the finale piece and the crowd loved it. One of the elder women in the audience made a point of congratulating me on the short bit of dancing that I managed to squeeze in during the show, telling me that I knew how to dance bomba de verdad, real bomba. What a rush! I have been blessed to not only fulfill one of the goals on my vision board but I did so in a way that far exceeded anything I ever imagined.

Getting back to my original statement about things happening for a reason and setting firms goals. I was seeking an opportunity to return to bomba in some capacity when I received the email about the workshops. I made the choice to enroll in the workshops and therein came the opportunity to perform. But there's more. I was able to make progress in fulfilling one of my unstated goals...that of improving my marital and family relationships.

My husband and children came to the performance with me. Our family outings are more often marked with bickering and in-fighting. This time, although it began a little tensely, by the time we left everyone was in a good mood, especially my husband who spent the whole night cracking wise. It was a rare moment of fun family togetherness.

My fellow students and I are scheduled for another performance in the middle of June. I don't expect to sing again but I'm okay with that. I've already had my 15 minutes of singing fame. Whatever the case, I can't wait to see what the future has in store for me.

Ballo ergo sum,
Always and all ways,
- Gitana, the Creative Diva

Right, Wrong, and Truth

It never fails. When I spend time in my garden, my mind wanders and invariably leads me to an insight which I was incapable of arriving at when in conscious thought. Today's rumination led me to consider the issues of right, wrong and truth.

As anyone who has been in a long term relationship knows, conflicts arise. Each party is totally convinced of the righteousness of their position and equally convinced of the wrongness of the other party's side. I've been married for 21 years and it seems that for most of those years I have been engaged in an ongoing battle with my husband over one thing or another. This divisiveness has systematically eroded the foundation of our once-strong love to the point where divorce has been the topic of discussion more than once. In recent years we have become all but strangers living in the same house, ostensibly for the purpose of raising our children but really because moving to separate was more than either of us was willing to endure.

The truth is that I married am emotionally non-demonstrative man who wants to be appreciated and who will not make any romantic overtures if he believes there is even a hint of possible rejection. He's also a control freak. The truth is that I am a extremely affectionate, demonstrative, strong-willed woman who has outrightly rejected my husband on numerous occasions out of anger, spite and downright maliciousness because he pissed me off. I'm also a control freak. This is a recipe for disaster.

A wise woman once told me you can choose to be right or you can choose to be happy. I didn't know what she meant. She asked me if it was more important for me to be right or to be happy, explaining that whatever I chose would result in the truth of my situation. Truth is the result of action. It knows not from right or wrong. If you want the truth of your situation to be one of happiness, then you must take actions that will lead you to that result.

As simple as that logic is, I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I thought and thought and intellectualized it to death with no success. Then I picked up a rake. In that quiet time during which I tend to my garden, the wisdom in her words finally penetrated. It was one of those "AHA!" moments. I knew what I had to do. If I want to be happy, I have to behave in a manner that makes him feel comfortable enough to let his guard down. I have to be willing to let go of the pain of the past and my need to be right in favor of a happier future. If we are to weather this marital storm, I have to take a lesson from palm trees and bend in the wind. This will be a lengthy process. After all, it took 21 years to create the disconnect in our relationship. It can't be mended overnight.

Tonight, when my husband came home, he was obviously tired from working on a demanding project at his office. I acknowledged his fatigue, poured him a glass of wine and, after dinner, sat with him to watch a movie. During the movie (which featured lots of salsa music), I got him off the sofa for a dance, something we used to enjoy during our courtship. After the movie, I gave him a little peck on the lips before I left the room. I've been making little overtures like this for a couple of weeks now and I can definitely see the ice melting. Baby steps.

Ballo ergo sum,
Always and all ways,
- Gitana, the Creative Diva